Love really doesn't exists for me.....part 1

to the person it may concern i am so sorry it has taken me such a long time time to get the dang picture up that i need to get up for you. I will do it as soon as possible.

As for this journal, i just need to express myself because im.....well....not feeling the best right now and i just need to get things out of my mind and some where else. so do forgive my sad sobbey entry for today.

Yes it is about a guy. He's someone ive liked for about 6 years now and long story short I know that he likes me to now. how ever we don't talk. you think that strange? so do I. you see I first started liking him in 6th grade which you know is like a puppy love crush. well I had fun times with him but after he found out I liked him through a certain source. he stopped talking to me. just liked that. I don't why. all I wanted was to be friends. I didn't want anything to change. but after that I became very shy around him which was irritating because we were in the same class together and everyday I would find him looking at me! and that just baffled me even more! why would he look at me, or pay me any mind when when he was the one who stopped talking to me? ya know? but again we were in elementary school. and life went on. and we were now in the middle school 7th grade. I began to really miss just talking and being friends with him and since I could never find an opportunity to talk to him during school I sent him just a friendly message saying "hey! we haven't talked in awhile how are you?" simple. not weird right? tell me if that was. anyway he never messaged me back. made me feel a lil heart broken but, life went on. I figured i guess he just doesn't want to be friends at all and doesn't want to have anything to do with me which is why these contrary events bewildered me. for example every time we would be in the same area I would always catch him looking at me. Also one time in the hall's I had to squeeze in between the middle of him and all his friends. and take note, that they are all like 6ft and im like 4,11 ok so I like come up to their belly buttons. But anyway as im passing through I see all of them point at me with their hands lowered  going "oooooooooooo" and bumping kendall as I go by. and im thinking 1.what are they stupid? I can clearly see what they're doing! and 2. why were they doing that in the first place? I thought the worst of course thinking maybe to him and his friends that im that wired girl that likes kendall. but I also had that secret hope that maybe its cuz he liked me. and another time kendall got transferred into one my classes and as soon as he came in his eyes found me and during class he would look at me. so whats up with that!? through out middle school though I tryed to convince myself at times that I didn't like him. and I would tell my friends "ya i don't like him any more" which was the epitome of lies. but you know I couldn't understand why I liked him so much still when we don't even talk!!!! and I still don't understand how it is that I still have this huge thing for him when we DON'T. EVER. TALK! anyway freshman year rolls around and i become friends with this girl and I tell her who I liked but then she found it completely entertaining to embarrass me in front of him! my friends and I would all be talking and then out of now where that one friend would yell out "KENDALL! MELISSA SAYS HI!" when I didn't even say anything! and when she would do this i would just walk away not even look at him I would just walk away or pretend I was texting someone and turn away from him. I scolded her several times about that but there was this one time that just takes the cake. so after freshman year towards the end of summer before sophomore year there was this back to school dance and of course he was there nothing really happened till the end of the dance, they were playing the last slow song of the night and as me and my friends were walking away I saw another one of my friends apart from me group so I stopped to talk to her a little when I was done and turned to see where my group had gone I see that that one friend was talking to kendall! and a part of me died inside as i slowly walked up to them. then i heard those last few words "....dance with melissa?" my eyes went wide and i looked at kendall directly in the eye and started to shake my head at him over and over screaming Nooooooo! in my head. but either he was to dumb to notice the apparent head shaking or he just ignored it either way. he said sure. and offered me his hand. i breathed in shutting my eyes for a split second, scrunching  my eyebrows together in dismay as i took his hand, allowing him to take me to the dance floor. I was so nervous! my heart was beating so loud It felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest! now not to be vain at all but im actually a very talented dancer however at this point in time because i was so nervous i couldn't even preform a simple back and forth step with my feet! it was embarrassing! I took a deep breath in, calming my nerves and then i was able to just dance. I then tried to talk to him but he's so tall and im so short and the music was so loud he couldn't hear me and he'd say what? and lean down to hear me better but finally i just shook my head and said never mind and I continued to dance with him while my dumb friends circled us like a pack of hungry wolves! I thought I was going to die! and the song went on forever! but finally when it was over we parted and he said "you did good." I shyly replied "thanks. you too." not even really looking into his face. I was about to walk away when out of no where he leaned down and hugged me! I was taken aback and surprised speechless even in my own mind! but i wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him back. I was confused. a guy wouldn't hug a girl he didn't like even if he was just being nice enough to dance with her after her irritating friends pushed him into it. we then pulled apart again and he left. I abruptly turned on my friend ready to kill her as she cowered behind another of our friends. "Didn't you like it though!?" she said from behind our friend. "yes. but im still mad at you!" I answered with fake venom in my voice. we then left to. and as we were walking out one of kendall's friends yelled at me as he passed by in a car going "Heyyy!!!" I awkwardly waved back at him cuz I really had no idea who he was except for the fact that he was one of kendall's friends. anyway so sophomore year starts and a like 2 things happened. one there was this one time when I was walking down from the seminary building and as we passed kendall and a few of his friends he looked at me then i had to leave cuz the bell rang. and then my friends turned around to walk back up to the seminary building. the whole time they were behind kendall and his friends, when they heard this little piece of conversation. "why don't you guys ever talk anymore?"
"I don't know I just thought Ied give her her space." when my friend told me this I thought "well he could be talking bout another girl. but if he was talking about me then that just doesn't make sense cuz he's the one who stopped talking to me and ive tried already to try and start talking to him again." so i didn't pay much mind to that but then later on in the year when my best friend kristen had this little fling with this kid named ricky who was friends with kendall they were talking this one time about their best friends and kristen was like " so my best friend Melissa....." but then ricky cut her short by saying "wait wait wait. melissa Fuller?"
"ya" she answered "you friends with her?"
"No. but kendall talks about her all the time."
"really? is it good stuff?"
"O ya. its good." then kristen told me this and I was like WHAT!!!!? but nothing ever came of it. then junior year came along which is the year of school im in now. any way not to far into the year i was sitting on my couch at home next to my little sister who was texting her lil friend mia who is a poly like kendall is and i found out that she talks to him and i took that phone and I was like "Mia! next time you talk to kendall you should casually bring me up in a conversation." and she agreed. i didn't think she would actually do it though or that anything would come of it but next thing I know I get  text from her saying "ok so this was before football. he said he would talk to me later. but I was talking to him and I was like hey do you know a girl named Melissa fuller? the he was like ummm maybe and he was like O ya the blond chick? and I was like yeah. then we talked about you(me) for a little then after he was like why? and i said I was just wondering because her younger sister is friends with me. then left so ya." so after that text she sent me i told her not bring me up again or talk about me unless kendall brings me up. and i wasn't expecting him to but he did! when he had another break during football he talked to mia again about me and after she sent me another text reading "He said he passed by you in the hallways and he looked at you and his buddies were like oooooooo! somebody likes melissa! and stuff like that." and this was recently that that happened. and i didn't even know. anyway then a lil later they were talking again and after he left again she sent me another text saying "He kinda mentioned you when I came up to him he said wait what were we talking bout? o ya we were talking about the melissa chick right? and I was like yup. and he said you probably don't know that answer to this but does she have a thing for me and i was like i don't know why you asking me and he was like right." I was so surprised that he asked if i liked him! and i had told mia not to tell him i liked him even though she really did know. anyway so the next day rolls around and kendall comes up to mia and right off the back brings me up again! and this was the message she sent me " so at first he started talking about you and then he said do have an answer for me? then i was like what? and he was like about melissa remember? then i was like o yeah and i said why do you wanna know so bad huh? do you like her? the i was like i promise on my life i wont tell a soul and he told me if he liked you.....and he said HE LIKES YOU! be happy! he said to me he wants to be friends again but cant get the courage to talk to you especially with all his friends around and all don't tell anybody i told you this ok?" when i read this message i was dumbstruck. at first i was like "HE LIKES ME!!!!" then it was "he likes me?" like i was happy but i couldn't believe it either. cuz i didn't think that was possible i thought that i was the odd one cuz ive liked this kid for so long and we haven't even talked even though ive really wanted to. but then i find out he liked me to. despite the fact we haven't talked. which also means he had liked me all those 6 years to. and i just couldn't believe it. i tried so hard to convince myself that i liked other guys. but that was never the case i didn't care if they came or went i just cared for kendall. but the reason i tried to like these other guys is because i didn't think i would ever have a chance with kendall but now i do!!! anyway so mia made a deal with him that if he told her if he liked me or not she'd have to tell him if i liked him back. she told me this and i gave the go ahead to tell him. so a few days passed before she could but when she did she texted me what his reaction was and this is what it said "So I told him that you liked him and he was like really!? and i was like yep and he was like YES!!!! and he did a jump for joy and a little victory dance." I felt overcome with joy! now all i had to do was talk to him. but as it turns out that's easier said than done.......
ok so i'll have to Finnish this journal entry a little later which will tell you the part why im not feeling so good. so stay tuned! for part 2!

(you really don't have to if you don't want to. that was just a little joke. and besides this is just to get me feelings out.)